I belong to the classification of
people known as Superheroes. I’m a Superhero. And, not altogether incidentally,
I am a brand.
Not too
long ago a civilian friend of mine had his store robbed by a common crook. He
called the police, who, of course, did little to help. He resorted to asking
for a Hero’s help. As I was swinging through the city after catching a common crook
and restoring a man’s shop, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like
to have a Hero on Speed dial. Why do I want a Hero?
I want
to live a carefree life where I do not have to worry about insurance and be able
to live in a city without worrying about crime rates. I want a
Hero who will be
there to reverse crimes and make the city a safer place for me. I do not want
to wait for the police to arrive at the scene of the crime, I want a
Hero who will
drop everything they are doing for my needs. I want a
Hero who devotes their
existence to making my life stress-free by sacrificing their personal life to
be where they should be before it is too late. I want a
Hero who will constantly
risk their life for me, and not expect me to give them anything in return. I
want a
Hero who is okay with being called a coward for wearing a mask. I want a
Hero who does not mind being called a criminal for working outside of the law
to save everyone. I want a
Hero who remains honorable even when the city hates them.
I want a Hero with a self-made, original
costume, that I can recreate and sell for profit. I want a Hero who creates a
modest costume that still shows off their body so the brand I create for them
is still family-friendly. I want a Hero who is okay with being capitalized and
yet receiving none of the revenue from their brand. I want a Hero with a popular
catchphrase no one has heard of before, but I can work with to incorporate into
my brand. I want a Hero who will never
make mistakes, but if, by chance, they do make a mistake, I want a Hero who is
okay with me milking the mistake to create a new brand of an evil version of
themselves.
If the popularity of this Hero dies
down, I want the liberty to replace this Hero with another one. Naturally, I will
expect the old Hero to stop saving people, since it will hurt my new brand. Additionally,
I expect the old Hero will have nothing to say about being kicked off by the
people he saved and let me idolize someone else so I can be free.
My God, who wouldn’t want a
Hero?
Signing off,
P.P. (Earth 96283)
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