I want a Hero.

 

I belong to the classification of people known as Superheroes. I’m a Superhero. And, not altogether incidentally, I am a brand.

            Not too long ago a civilian friend of mine had his store robbed by a common crook. He called the police, who, of course, did little to help. He resorted to asking for a Hero’s help. As I was swinging through the city after catching a common crook and restoring a man’s shop, it suddenly occurred to me that I, too, would like to have a Hero on Speed dial. Why do I want a Hero?

            I want to live a carefree life where I do not have to worry about insurance and be able to live in a city without worrying about crime rates. I want a Hero who will be there to reverse crimes and make the city a safer place for me. I do not want to wait for the police to arrive at the scene of the crime, I want a Hero who will drop everything they are doing for my needs. I want a Hero who devotes their existence to making my life stress-free by sacrificing their personal life to be where they should be before it is too late. I want a Hero who will constantly risk their life for me, and not expect me to give them anything in return. I want a Hero who is okay with being called a coward for wearing a mask. I want a Hero who does not mind being called a criminal for working outside of the law to save everyone. I want a Hero who remains honorable even when the city hates them.

I want a Hero with a self-made, original costume, that I can recreate and sell for profit. I want a Hero who creates a modest costume that still shows off their body so the brand I create for them is still family-friendly. I want a Hero who is okay with being capitalized and yet receiving none of the revenue from their brand. I want a Hero with a popular catchphrase no one has heard of before, but I can work with to incorporate into my brand.  I want a Hero who will never make mistakes, but if, by chance, they do make a mistake, I want a Hero who is okay with me milking the mistake to create a new brand of an evil version of themselves.

If the popularity of this Hero dies down, I want the liberty to replace this Hero with another one. Naturally, I will expect the old Hero to stop saving people, since it will hurt my new brand. Additionally, I expect the old Hero will have nothing to say about being kicked off by the people he saved and let me idolize someone else so I can be free.

My God, who wouldn’t want a Hero?

Signing off, 

P.P. (Earth 96283)

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